I am wondering when “competitive parenting” became the number one activity among adults today? You know, when sharing information about your children feels like an Olympic sport. Yeah that.
Those regular assertions about “little Johnny’s” prowess on the sports field; the comparing of reading levels when your child starts reception/kindergarten; having to do the “walk of shame” when your child doesn’t pass the 11+. These are all aspects of competitive parenting that are now common place among the mums and dads at the school gates. (Although I should add it doesn’t start or stop there; in fact it pretty much seeps in to most conversations you have with other parents these days).
My first memories of the hazards of competitive parenting came when my son walked at 9 months. This seemed to send most of the other mums in my baby & toddler group in to a tailspin as they assumed I had been doing something “special” to get this “result”. I hadn’t and, therefore, had nothing to pass on. It was hard luck for me and even harder luck for the mum’s whose babies weren’t even crawling yet. Of course I felt guilty and apologised profusely, telling them all my horror stories of how he kept falling over, bruising and cutting himself, and was constantly running out of my reach in public places. In fact I made walking at 9 months seem like the worse thing that could happen to your child just so I wasn’t ostracized from the group!
Of course my daughters didn’t walk until they were 18 months and then I experienced the reverse. “Not walking yet? Oh…..”
Parents have this idea that they control all aspects of there children’s live from the minute they’re born to the day they graduate from University. Parents think that they need to steer their children through a clear course of agendas, activities, and achievements or a place at Oxford/Harvard is going to be forever out of reach. So when did a child’s reading age prove to have a direct correlation to them receiving a First Degree at a red brick/ivy league University? I think I missed the study on that one.
The problem for the people and the institutions that take care of the children during these years, is that anything or anybody that tries to detract from this course is quite frankly, “licence to kill”. Your child isn’t picked for the top team, happens to be sitting next to an academic “loser”, not getting challenging enough homework, effort grades are down…well any of this is par for the course in terms of parent interference. Emails, consultations, and confrontations are fired off to the poor unsuspecting parent/teacher/coach who dared to stand in the way of little Johnny’s worldwide domination.
My son regularly tells me of parents who insist their child play a certain position on the “A” team for whatever sport is in season even though their ability is lacking. “Why does this happen?” he asks me. It doesn’t happen in the real world I reassure him. “But I am afraid you will just have to put up with this while you are at school.” Don’t get me wrong, I am all for every child getting a go. That’s fair. Kicking and screaming when your child doesn’t continue to get a go, well that’s just pushy.
When did the playing fields stop being for casually throwing a ball around?
When did music lessons suddenly become all about the grades?
When did ballet lessons become less about the pretty pink tutu and more about the exams?
When did a poor maths grade mean one-on-one tutoring?
The precious few hours after school before bed-time have become an opportunity to further children’s academic or athletic ability. No more play time, or god forbid, an hour in front of the television. It’s the same at the weekends and I sometimes wonder if these children have any time to just “chill out”. To hang with friends. To be bored. I recently told another mum that for my family Sundays are always a day of rest. She told me to “get a life!”
Thing is, I have so many crazy competitive parenting stories, I could write on and on. I am sure anyone who is parenting now will also have them. We love to point the finger and say, “Wow are they competitive!” Many of us will profess to be all about nurturing and love and letting our children “be”. I have a feeling though that most of us will in some way or another fall in to the bracket of competitive parent. If not just to keep up with the “Joneses” and ensure our child gets that fighting chance.
I wonder if it’s completely possible to end the jealously and just enjoy our children?
Next time you are involved in a one-upmanship discussion about your child STOP. Remind yourself they all get there in the end. They all have different talents and skills (of which yours has many). Most importantly, the boastful talk is NOT about the child, it’s about the parent. And when you stop, they might just stop as well.
Ginger Cookies
2 cups plain flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ginger
1 teaspoon cinnamon
3/4 cup vegetable oil
1 cup sugar (plus 2 tablespoons for sprinkling)
1 large egg
1/4 cup molasses or treacle
Preheat oven to 350 / 180 / gas mark 4.
Combine flour, baking soda, salt and spices in a small bowl.
On the medium speed of a mixer, or by hand, beat together the oil and sugar for 2-3 minutes. Add the egg and molasses/treacle and mix well. Now add the dry ingredients to the wet and mix to combine.
Drop rounded teaspoonfuls of the mix on to ungreased baking trays. Make sure to leave an inch or more between each drop. Sprinkle lightly with sugar.
Bake for 12 minutes. Cool for 5 minutes and then move on to a wire rack.
We are totally on the same page, even down to what Sundays are for… Lazy Day Memories! I despise competitive parenting having been the subject of nastiness directed at me & ED in the Pre ADHD diagnosis days. Terrible times. The problem I find is wanting to celebrate childrens real & genuine successes in this competitive environment. We praise our kids highly in the home & share with family & closest friends but the playground, oh no, not MD!!
Great post x
MDxxxx
I know it’s a real dilemma about praising vs boasting. I agree though praise is for the child’s benefit not the playgrounds. Thanks for commenting x
Your ginger cookies look scrumptious.
I could so relate to this post. Friday I went in to the office and checked my twin boys in to school 20 minutes late because they were at an orthodontist appointment. The attendance secretary asked me, the parent, where was my note from the orthodontist! The orthodontist’ note is more important than the mother standing in front of you.
DON’T get me started!!!!! love from the secret telly watchers!! xxx
I’d much rather have made ginger cookies with my mom rather than go to ballet class! Great to see you back. xx
Nice post, Heather. The silver lining of special needs schools is that parents really don’t do the competitive thing. They learn to be delighted at any tiny step of progress their child makes. When you see an autistic 5 year old who barely speaks and is still in nappies, the last thing you feel like doing is trying to make his parents feel worse. Some of these competitive parents could really use a good dose of humility and be thankful their child is healthy and can do all the things he or she is supposed to.
I love ginger cookies. Always eat them with mature cheddar – bliss!
My children walked at 8 months.
(JOKE)
Ohhh, that last picture really got me! Perfect cookies!
Thanks Megan!
Hear hear! I’m so with you. It’s hard to not listen to all this crap, because I worry that by following your route I’m letting my children down. But in my heart of hearts I know you’re right. Which is why we’re cutting school for nine months to go to the beach
PS I actually have treacle that needs using up. It’s a sign…
A most definite sign. Better have some for me on Thursday or I won’t be pleased…..
Wise words indeed. I spent a weekend finishing a novel while my kids watched way to much TV. We needed a little down time. When I confessed to my parent friends I think they were all envious!
Good for you! I love hiding away with a good book leaving my kids to get on with it. We should all do it more often.
Well said. Based on my experience, it seems the children that struggle the most wind up the best.
Enjoy your children. Soon they will be gone.
I know! I can’t bear to think about it x
Excellent sentiments, and ones I very much agree with.
Thanks Julie! Glad you agree.
Hear hear!
I am a great one for letting them hang and chill, but even as I say that, I realise it’s something I rather pride myself on. “Look at me, what a great parent I am, I’m so relaxed” – even that can become competitive, since of course deep down I’m thinking they’ll end up high achievers, and then I’ll be able to say “it was because I was so relaxed about it all”.
Iota your response made me laugh. I am so guilty of that! Nice to know someone else is
I am so with you on this, do you know people ask me what extra work I do with the boys – extra worl, they dont even do their homework! Home is for family fun, school for work and play. I am the least competative mum there is.
Good for you! With such gorgeous boys you don’t need to. They speak for themselves. x
I’ve just popped back to say I baked them today (with syrup) and they were utterly scrummy…..you’re no help at all in my attempts to get skinny for (next) summer are you?! xx
Oh lovely I am soooo pleased!! Plenty of time to worry about next summer. And it will probably rain for most of it so who cares anyway?
See, Heather, we ALL want to see more of you! Yay for you coming back! And I will definitely swap cookies with you : my molasses chews for your ginger cookies. Or we’ll meet in the middle for cookies and a cuppa?
And now that it is all almost done with, we really wish that we had let our sons be kids, let them evolve naturally and see where it went. We did spend so much more quality time with them than other parents and we think that it all helped them find their way to where they are now.
Meeting in the middle sounds pretty good. Would that be the Channel?! Letting them evolve naturally. I like the sound of that. x
Did you bake these just for me, Heather? I have the the most advanced case of ginger snap addiction of anyone I know (talk about competitive!), and your lovely ones are calling my name right now.
Yes, I certainly perceived more than a whiff of competitive parenting when my son was young, and I didn’t like it at all. I just tried to keep my mouth zipped. A struggle sometimes, but I tried.
Ha! Sometimes I struggle myself. Might get violent though so I stop
Welcome back! Missed you! This is a great post & a good reminder. I might take it up on the Head’s Office. A tweet a little while ago mentioned schools inventing things to keeping competitive mummies busy so there’s a lot of it about!
I was always told ginger was for pluck – goes with the post!
I like that idea. Keeping them busy. Is it out of boredom? I sometimes wonder. You should definitely take it up on the Head’s Office. It’s time we stamped the whole thing out!
Hello! I’ve missed you! Good point well made. Can’t stand it myself and have taken to standing in silence and refusing to smile if it starts up in the playground (I probably look like a grumpy cow but after 4 kids I can’t take it any more!) I will definitely be making these cookies…delicious and I’m sure mine will be more advanced than yours ;-D
I know exactly what you mean. By number four it’s just like “whatever” as the teenagers would say. Thanks for commenting Christine. I’ve missed hearing your voice too x
I love the recipe. A good antidote to the competitive parenting. People like to judge others and like you I have noticed that nothing brings this out like the world of parenting. Let them get on with it, says I. Once, after receiving a round-robin email detailing a friend’s 1 year old son’s achievements, I composed my own round-robin. In it I detailed what my 1 year old son couldn’t do and how rubbish he was. It was funny and I haven’t been on a round-robin letter since. Chin up and keep baking the biscuits
Thanks Matt! Love the idea of the dysfunctional round robin. I see a Christmas post coming up….
helloooooo! lovely to see you back, even if it’s not for good! Good post and very important reminder – I hate it too but that’s not to say I’m immune to it!
And I’ve just printed out the recipe – going to cook them now using syrup as I’ve got no treacle….don’t worry I won’t blame you if it goes horribly wrong x